Dating Unbelievers

This is a controversial blog. It concerns the issue of mixed marriage, dating unbelievers or whatever you call it. I’ve heard some Christians say it’s wrong to date them. I’ve even heard sermons against it. The most famous verse supporting this point is from 2 Cor 6:14-16- “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers…”

Firstly, the context of that verse is not against marrying or dating unbelievers. The Corinthians at that time were practicing idol rituals while still in the faith. Paul told them it didn’t make sense to mix idols with God.

There are other verses that seem to go against mixed marriage. In Nehemiah, the Jews were strictly told not to marry foreign women. This was necessary as Israel has always had problems with its neighbors and it would be extremely dangerous to intermarry. You’re talking about risking extinction here.

The OT also specifically warns against intermarrying because foreign ways may negatively influence the Jews. The Jews have a strict set of laws. But as Christians, we are under grace, not law. Even obeying the 10 commandments is impossible. So to apply the OT law of intermarriage to Christians is missing the point of grace. Seriously, the Jews cannot even marry Gentile Christians!

Won’t one’s faith be compromised by intermarrying? As much as I like to say yes, it really depends. One of the worst things anyone can do is to make generalizations out of a few examples and apply it to everyone else. As Christians, we are here to reconcile people to God. So anyone who marries a nonbeliever will never lead him/her to God? I’ve known friends who’ve come to Christ because of their partners. Of course, I’ve also known friends who drifted from God because of their partners. But you don’t stop driving just because you’ve had an accident. You drive because you need to. You love someone because you need to and the both of you complement each other.

The bible talks about how when one is saved, so shall the household. Paul says if a spouse is an unbeliever, he is sanctified by the believing spouse. In Jesus’ time on earth, he never said a thing about intermarrying. He did not even tell the Jews they cannot intermarry. Btw, the genealogy of Jesus even has someone of a Moabite bloodline! How’s that?

Let me tell you what Jesus spoke against. He spoke against divorce unless on grounds of adultery. Divorce tears families apart, wounds young children emotionally. Jesus says because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed divorce using a certificate. But what God has joined together, let not man separate. Yet today, we hear more sermons speaking against dating unbelievers, than against divorce, a rising trend in the church btw. Divorce goes against the very heart of God, which is being committed to the very end, just as Christ was committed to the cross.

So is it right or is it wrong to date unbelievers? You are the light of the world. If you can influence someone to Christ, why not? At the end of the day, it’s the ministry of reconciliation that counts. So let’s date any unbeliever then? That’s like saying let’s sin all the time just because we have grace. Even dating believers can cause one to drift from God. The point is unbeliever or not, there are larger issues at stake here.

There are lots of beautiful people out there. Even unbelievers can have better character than believers. I think it’s quite silly to miss out on a beautiful relationship just because of religion. “But then my pastor says so!” Again, you are ultimately responsible for your own decisions. No one can decide for you how you want to live your life. I’m not saying you should disrespect your pastor. But there’s a fine line between respect and blind obedience.

There are however some situations where it may not be advisable to date an unbeliever. But this is due more to common sense rather than any biblical law. I've seen from my experiences that those who are perhaps serving in a very large capacity and that most of your time is taken up by church work, it would make more sense to date a believer, even to the point of being from your own church. An unbeliever would find it very hard to keep going to church with you and pretty soon, your lives would drift apart. But then again, if you're so busy in church, you're not likely to meet enough non-christians to date them!

Back to my main point again. From my own experience, I dated an unbeliever. I was initially reluctant but a pastor friend told me this, “If she can accept you for who you are, why can’t you accept her for who she is?” After some research as well, I realized that sometimes a Christian has to make decisions that may not go well with the masses. But God knows the heart.

She’s a beautiful person with a wonderful heart. I shared with her where I stood in my faith. I love Jesus and nothing’s going to change that. And because I love Jesus, I want to love her the way He would. Like many, she’s heard of Christians shunning intermarriage. I told her that’s not the heart of God and explained to her what the bible really meant. I proposed marriage laying no conditions for conversion. I’ve heard Christians say they will marry only when the partner converts. That’s not the best evidence of grace.

By God’s grace, after a few months, He touched her heart. One night, she gave her heart to the Lord. A brother of mine in a similar situation also saw his partner give her heart to the Lord. The well-known worship leader Lincoln Brewster would not be who he is today if his then Christian girlfriend shunned him. Because of her exposing him to the gospel, he got on his knees one night and asked Jesus into his life.

To conclude, the gospel is always about God reaching out to man. It’s not about shunning sin or so and so. The Son of Man came to seek those who were lost and like it or not, dating/marriage can be a tool to reach out to someone. A lot more variables need to be considered which like it or not, ultimately boils down to one word- commitment. If you found someone with that big C word, it’s good enough for you to proceed regardless of religion. As someone once said, ”Ignore everything a man says, but watch everything he does.” I don’t think he was referring to believers or unbelievers.